Update on Coping with the Loss of Corinne

I feel like I'm not healing as quickly from the loss of my sister as I should be. My focus has been on helping others who are grieving, and I can only really let my hair down and focus on my own pain when I'm speaking with my husband. Even then, though, I feel guilty and selfish for wallowing in despair and my mind quickly turns to others who NEED me: my mother, my daddy, Acaijah, Ciahnna, and Corinne's boyfriend of two-and-a-half years. My other brothers and sisters have been an immense support. I don't know what I'd do without them...we're going to get through this. We're a strong family and our ties are too strong to break because what binds us is stronger than blood: we're bound by love.

Yesterday Jamal took me out while Jaslene watched the kids. We had a late dinner, so when we took a walk in the park afterwards it was close to midnight. My shoulders started to tremble, which he felt under his arm. He prompted me to let it all out...say what I needed to say, etc. I ended up yelling into the night, "I'M SOOO ANGRY!!! I'M SOOO SAD!!"

"WHY? TELL US WHY!," Jamal prompted.

"BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO YOUNG...TOO TOO YOUNG! I NEED HER! I MISS HER! OUR FAMILY ISN'T THE SAME!!"

"WHY ISN'T OUR FAMILY THE SAME? SCREAM IT, BABY. LET IT OUT!"

"BECAUSE THERE'S A SPOT THAT'S MISSING AT THE TABLE; THERE'S A SPOT THAT'S MISSING IN OUR HEARTS. SHE SHOULD STILL BE WITH US!!! SHE DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!! SHE'S GONE! WHY COULDN'T SOMEONE HORRID AND MENACING BE REMOVED FROM THE WORLD, NOT MY CORINNE!! NOT OUR SISTER WITH A JEWEL OF A HEART!!!"

I collapsed into my husband crying. He held me so close and so tight and we cried together for a long, long time. Afterwards I felt so exhausted, but I also felt another feeling that's hard to describe: cleansed, purged perhaps. A weight had been lifted. When it was just me and Jamal together, I could crumble. I didn't have to keep up the facade of being ok. I didn't have to be the strong one. I'm so blessed to have that man of great strenghth backing me up and supporting me in every facet of my life. Before meeting Jamal, I never realized it was possible to love another human being so much.

I don't want to push the issue with the children too much considering they're so young. However, I have implemented several things to help them cope. These ideas are sort of adapted Supernanny ideas. I've put up a Feelings Chart and made many different faces with all different expressions on them. Karmello, Kimora, and Kariah each have a row on the chart with a column for each day of the week. They can change the face as what they're feeling changes. I know they sense the sadness and stress of family members even though they don't fully understand. I want them to have an outlet and be allowed to express their emotions without feeling like they have to submerge what they're feeling. This has worked so well and has prevented several tantrums. When my little ones don't know how to express what they feel inside, they understandably become very frustrated. Instead of having a meltdown, they can go over to the chart and stick up whatever face represents their current mood.

I've also given each of them a box that I let them decorate and label, for example, "Karmello's Thought Box." All three of them have their own thought box. Since they're too young to put sentences together in writing, most of what they've placed in their Thought Boxes have been pictures. At the end of each day, Jamal or I sit with them individually and they show and tell us what they drew. Pictures of Aunt Corinne have made it onto more than a few Thought Box pictures.

I hope that the chart and boxes give Karmello, Kimora, and Kariah media through which to express their feelings and be heard in the midst of the emotional upheaval.

Kaydence

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary:

Cadence-

1 a: a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language b: the beat, time, or measure of rhythmical motion or activity 2 a: a falling inflection of the voice b: a concluding and usually falling strain; specifically : a musical chord sequence moving to a harmonic close or point of rest and giving the sense of harmonic completion 3: the modulated and rhythmic recurrence of a sound especially in nature

This little baby.....

lives up....

to her name.

Kaydence.

She takes Psalm 98:4 quite seriously: "Let all the earth send out a glad cry to the Lord; sounding with a loud voice, and praising him with songs of joy."

Kaydence is never quiet. She is always making a joyful noise; a sweet melody is always coming from her little mouth. One of the greatest blessings of my day is being able to hear the cadence of her sweet little voice. Whether singing, "Jesus Loves Me" or rapping a hip hop lyric, Kaydence has proved herself to be quite the little musician in the making. ;-) She can literally spend 45 minutes straight sitting at our piano and pressing down the keys, singing along with her piano compositions ;-). She even makes up lullabies for Kajanae which, of course, is absolutely necessary considering Kajanae is Kaydence's "baybay". (As a side note, I think it's hysterical that when I ask Kaydence if she's a baby she shakes her head "no" very adamantly but considers Kaji very much a baby, what with always trying to hold her, kiss her, and saying "MY baybay Ka-ah-nay." ) :-D

So, if Kaydence is ever a famous singer or ivory-tickler, buy her CDs and tickets to her concerts! *kidding* ;-). Whether or not she's the next Alicia Keys, Kaydence's passion and joy in music is evident, and her bursting forth in song brings joy to those around her. Sing on little girl, sing on.

Sometimes the Night Haunts Me

Not because of fear..not because of regret. But when all the world is quiet (and even in the big city, way up here in our high rise can get pretty quiet, especially with the AC running which blocks out a lot of noise), I begin thinking. The darkness doesn't scare, it placates. The solitude isn't lonely, it's peaceful. But the night haunts me because of the deep thinking that it facilitates for me. I begin to think about my family and my goals. I think about Corinne, and how she lived more in her short 18 years than most people do in a lifetime. I think about my mother, who barely got through Mother's Day today after just having lost a child. I think about each of my five babies, ways I can be a better mommy to them, and how I'm so very thankful for the privilege of being their mommy (I know I say this ALL the time, but I truly am so blessed!). I stare at my husband sleeping, not in a creepy way, but in a manner of admiration. (The funny thing is, even if I'm quiet as a mouse, he senses when I'm awake and will then wake up, too. I'm actually surprised he hasn't come into the library looking for me yet.) At any rate, while in college I found it difficult to stay awake at all hours to study, nighttime is now a time of deep thinking and reflection for me now that I'm in my late twenties. It's a time that I enjoy mulling over ideas and contemplating "the big questions", so we'll see if anything comes of it. I'll be sure to record any flashes of brilliance I may have (ha!).

But since it is Mother's Day, or I suppose that was technically yesterday, I'll close with an adorable little poem that I came across:

I Like You Best

Elizabeth Laing Thompson

After dark, I like you best:

Day fades to gray,

Moonlit fingers paint stripes across your bed, your face.

I tiptoe in and rest a palm across your back

to feel you breathe--

up and down, the rise and fall;

I lean in close to breathe the sweet clean milk of you,

to feel the warmth of life

flowing in and out, in and out as you dream.

You sigh.

And I smile--serene, content--

This is my sunset.

When you're asleep, I like you best.

At day's first light, I like you best:

Dawn brings a gentle scratching,

the swish-swish of chubby elbows and knees and button nose

scrabbling against the sheets.

Then one little grunt, and soon another;

soft coos and squeals crescendo to a chorus

of joyful babbles to salute the day--

my alarm clock.

I shuffle in,

eyes bleary, all-over weary, heart warming--

and peek around the doorframe.

Two bright chipmunk eyes, two black buttons

peer up at me between the slats.

Eyes twinkle, cheeks crinkle, nose wrinkles;

rosebud lips send fireworks sparkling across the morning--

This is my sunrise.

When you're awake, I like you best.

From my good-morning sunrise to my lullaby sunset

and my every hour in between;

from your first cry to my last breath,

until the echo of us fades, our souls' footprints blow away--

That's when I like you best.

I love you, Kx5!

New Pics.....

.....of Kx5 on the sidebar. It's hard to tell with just eyeshots, but they've grown up so much! Some of the pics are strange dimensions, but I wanted to be able to capture at least a little bit of their hair. I love how they all resemble each other (biological or not), yet are very unique in appearance as well as personality. I love me some Kx5!

Thank You

Thank you all for your lovely messages of support. I know that many people are thinking and praying for our family during this difficult time. Please think especially about the children as they are being forced to deal with death at such a young age. They don't understand why someone who has always been present in their lives, someone that they saw and gave hugs and smooches to on a daily basis, is no longer around. The three oldest K's will tell people that Corinne is in heaven living with Jesus and that we will see her again when it's time for us to go and live in heaven, but their understanding is still obviously limited. We don't really talk about death because as far as we're concerned, Corinne is still living, just not right here with us. That thought helps a bit, but it doesn't help when I just wish with such a longing that my beautiful sister were right here beside me. I know we'll meet again one day, but for right now there's a hole, an absence....and that's hard.

Nevertheless, thank you all for writing to me and letting me feel your love and support. I hope to disclose more as I become capable of writing more specifics without "losing it" emotionally. Love you all.

I Miss....

Your doe eyes.....

The texture of your hair......

Your loving auntie hands....

Your deuces and kissy-face for every pic....

Your spunk.....

Your diva-tudes.....

Your free spirit.....

Your beautiful soul.

I Knew You For A Moment

~Corinne Zar’ya _______~

April 23, 1990 – January 7, 2009

Beloved daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin, girlfriend, and friend

“If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart's still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more,
To remember all the happy times.
Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today,
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.

I Knew you for a Moment.”

~Author Unknown

I am the Lord's servant; be it unto me as you have said...

......says the young virgin Mary after receiving news that she would become pregnant and bear the Son of the Most High. Here she was...a young, engaged teenager who had been virtuous and remained chaste...and she was told that she would become pregnant outside of wedlock, a crime punishable by death in her time and culture. Nevertheless, Mary believed in the fulfillment of the things spoken to her by the Lord through the angel Gabriel. Mary was blessed for taking God at His word, for believing Him in the midst of a seemingly impossible situation and for believing His seemingly impossible promise.

This Christmas season has made my youngest sister Ciahnna especially attentive to the Christmas story from Mary's point of view as Ciahnna is 15, the same age that Mary was believed to have been when she gave birth to Jesus. Cici and I have spent considerable time discussing Mary's complete humanity, complete faith in God, and complete blessedness. Ciahnna and I both would like to be more like Mary and proclaim that we are servants of the Lord and desire to have everything befall us as the Lord wills.

Luke 1

46 And Mary said, My soul does magnify the Lord,

47 And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.

48 For he has regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from now on all generations shall call me blessed.

49 For he that is mighty has done to me great things; and holy is his name.

50 And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation.

51 He has showed strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.

52 He has put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.

53 He has filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he has sent empty away.

54 He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;

55 As he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

The Spirit of Adoption

“Ye have received the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry ‘Abba, Father.’” I’ve had this verse on my sidebar for quite some time now. However, this verse is more pertinent now than ever before.

For the past three weeks our family has been celebrating and adjusting to the arrival of two new family members. As planned, all finalities were completed for our pending adoption by the day after Thanksgiving. The following Monday, Karmello and Kaydence came home. I honestly feel like I forget what our lives were like before the arrival of these two precious blessings. What a reason to be thankful during that Thanksgiving season!

Both Karmello and Kaydence have been adjusting very well and are reaching attachment/bonding milestones right on time.

Kimora and Kariah have also adjusted amazingly well and have shown themselves to be flexible, easy-going little girls. Karmello and Kimora are attached at the hip now; sometimes they include Kariah, and sometimes they choose not to. That proves to be a challenge.

Before coming to us, Kaydence had not learned to walk. She was simply content to crawl about on all fours. Kimora and Kariah both walked before they were a year old, so I was a little shocked that Kaydence at 15 months had not yet begun. During these past three weeks I’ve worked with her a little bit, walking around the penthouse helping her walk (you know, with me standing behind her and her little hands curled around my pointer fingers). I know she’ll take off on her own when she’s ready, but she’s already shown substantial progress….she just needed a little individual attention, which was something that could be rarely given her at the foster home.

Kaydence continues to call me “MOOOMeeeeeeee.” Karmello prefers “Lia.” Hmmmm..ok. For now. I don’t blame the poor kid. He’s almost four years old and has never had a mother figure in his life. Why would he be expected to come into our home and instantly dub me “mommy.” How is he to know that’s what my title is in relation to him?

Some of you may be thinking, “Well, what about the baby? What about Kajanae?” Well….as always, Kajanae has been an amazing source of joy in my life. That little pumpkin is my “ride or die” chick (don’t know what that means?...look it up on urbandictionary.com). Kaji is always with me; she’s my constant companion. If there’s going to be a late walker in our family, it’s probably going to be Kajanae. I NEVER put that baby down!! People have jokingly asked me if she’s cemented to my hip. Yep. I believe she is. Actually we’ve scheduled a surgery to do just that. She won’t ever have to be without me; I won’t ever have to be without her!!

One other thing that I want to be sure I mention so as to not confuse my readers is that my sister Jaslene comes over every weekday to help out with the kids. She’s not really a nanny because I’m not off on my own jaunts, but of course we pay her generously. It’s been so fun to be able to spend my days with Jaslene. I freakin’ love that woman, and so do her nieces and nephew. Before “employing” her, she would come by and hang out with us just about every evening anyway. We’re tight (crossing middle and pointer fingers). Thank you for being such a blessing Jassi!!

So……..Kx5……Karmello, Kimora, Kariah, Kaydence, and Kajanae’s Mommy. Being a mother of five children three and under has already proven to have its challenges, and surely there are more posts to follow on such incidents. But my heart is so FULL of JOY that I simply can’t focus on those challenges. The overwhelming focus is how in love I am with my kids. Normally I apologize if my blog undergoes a hiatus…but this time I just can’t bring myself to feel sorry. No worries, you all know me….I’m documenting every little “jot and tittle” in journals, scrapbooks, and baby books, so nothing is going unrecognized or forgotten. The fact is that I love my life and I’m living it, and if it happens to not show up online for everyone to read about, that’s okay!! I love my five K’s, and I’m so honored that God has chosen me to be their mommy, that He has entrusted them to my care for this short segment of eternity.

Wordless Wednesday: Caramel Apples

Princess, Pippi, Pepper

Three P's for our three K's! This year for Halloween, Kimora dressed up as a princess, Kariah as Pippi Longstocking, and Kajanae as a chili pepper. Our evening was filled with pumpkin whoopie pies, caramel apples, gingerbread cake with lemon sauce, apple cider, and pumpkin chocolate chip bread. We all exhibited great self-control and portion moderation, of course! ;)

Jamal and I took all three girls trick-or-treating through several neighborhoods Friday evening. Jamal, Princess Kimora, and Pippi Kariah Longstocking ran ahead a bit, and I was left just slightly behind with little Kaji. Hanging back with my baby gave me a bit of peace and some time to think....I thought about our family of five. I thought about last Halloween when we had just two kids- Kimora and Kariah. I thought about next Halloween when we go trick-or-treating, we'll have two additional little ones running/toddling ahead with daddy. How my life has changed in the past few years, and what a blessing that I wouldn't change a single thing! Taking a deep breath of the clear night air, I could smell familiarity mingled with exciting change. Looking around me, dear Atlanta looked to me how it always has, yet there was something new and intangible ready to burst from its fringes. Well, one change since last year was indeed very tangible; I looked down at the baby in my arms and thanked the Lord for Kajanae for probably the millionth time these past 9 months. I was jarred back to reality with the voice of Kariah calling me from ahead; she had become concerned that I would get lost if I didn't keep up with them. LOL! :) I looked up at Jamal, Kimora, and Kariah and said to Kajanae, "C'mon, Baby Girl, let's go get 'em," and cuddled my chili pepper close. :)

Not Me! Monday

After reading McMama's Blog for about a month, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and post a "Not me!" Monday blog post. If you're a regular mycharmingkids.net reader, you may recognize one of my "not me's" as I had a similar experience to McMama. This week:

1) I did not cry on Saturday when I realized Kariah is finally done nursing after 26 months of life. Nope, not me. Didn't do it!

2) I absolutely did not make a mess of my new, magazine-ready kitchen making caramel apples with Kimora and Kariah...complete with sprinkles...and lots of stickiness. I did not attempt this without the help of another adult, as that would be foolish. No, not me.

3) I did not blow a gasket when a stranger commented on Kimora and Kariah's "good hair" and about how it doesn't look like Kajanae is going to have "good hair." I did not feel like spewing poison from between my teeth or shrieking in her face, "Leave my baby the heck alone!" I did not feel like using more severe language than "heck." Nope, certainly not me. Huh-uh!!

4) I did not feel like fainting when I saw FIVE carseats in the back of my vehicle after installing Karmello and Kaydence's carseats. I didn't pause for a moment to contemplate how I managed to accumulate five children over the course of 3.5 years.

5) I did not finally relent to Jamal's request to keep the pole in our bedroom that came with the highrise, and I was not amused by his joke that couple pole dancing lessons would be fun. A wholesome prude like me, I should think not!

6) I have not recently felt the strong, insatiable desire to be pregnant again. Nope. Not me!

With My Frappuccino in Hand....

Would you believe that I’m actually out at Starbucks, BY MYSELF with my computer, drinking a Frappuccino, finally updating this poor neglected blog? I can’t believe it either. Jamal pushed me out the front door (more like into the elevator), insisting I take a "me time" evening. How amazing is he? ;)

Before I begin, I’d like to issue an official apology to my regular readers! Those of you who I see on a weekly, if not daily, basis have naturally remained updated on the goings-on in our family. However, if we rely on this online venue to keep connected, then I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I have, however, been regularly checking my personal and online emails in case someone was REALLY trying to contact me. Some of you have asked for my email, but I get my email through my husband’s practice; for this reason, I don’t give out my personal email as it would be too exposing. However, if you make an account on hellorazzi.com I can email you through that site, or if you have a blog of your own, just leave the address in a comment to me (I won’t post it if you’d rather I not). I’ll be sure to come by and visit!

Here goes:

I would put high on the list an adoption update, but there’s not really an update to give. Everything is still going as planned as far as that goes, and we plan to welcome Karmello and Kaydence by Thanksgiving. I suppose I may have a few stories to share from our visits, though. I'm also in the process of planning a homecoming party for them, which I suppose could be thought of as the parallel to a baby shower. However, I'd like them to be here for the celebration, of course, since they are the reason we'd be celebrating anyway! Kimora and Kariah are already so tight with Karmello; it's very exciting to see their relationships develop. Little baby Kaydence already calls me mommy....except it's more like "MO..meeeeeee" with the first syllable very loud and high-pitched and the second syllable lower and strung out. She shrieks and claps when she sees our family coming to visit her and her brother. Unbelievably cute!!

The item next on the list for updating is Kimora's preschool experience.

September

2- This day was described in my first post about Kimora and her preschool. Blah...'nuf said.

4- This day was described as a "Tuesday repeat"

9- This was the first day that Kimora went to school armed with the "Mommy Comes Back" song and photo of our family. These things seemed to increase her security...she seemed less anxious. Before leaving this day, I stayed a little bit again to help her get accustomed. Another tearful goodbye, but the teachers report was promising: she calmed down after about 45 minutes. I saw that Kimora had been kissing the family photo I gave her because it had a bunch of little lip prints on it.

11- It was suggested that I spray some of my perfume on Kimora's wrist so that she could smell it and feel close to me during her school day. On this day I tried that; I could tell she felt very special wearing mommy's special Baby Phat perfume.

16- Kimora continued to take the photo with her to school and wear some of my perfume. I never asked her if she sang the song I taught her, but her teachers said that they indeed heard her singing a song about Mommy, whether or not it was the exact one I intended :). Today she cried for about 45 minutes to an hour after I left (not ideal, but hey, we have to take the small victories).

18- This day we were swarmed at the door by a bunch of preschoolers, all anxious to get Kimora's attention and play with her. "Wow, my baby's popular," I couldn't help but think. Kimora seemed happy to see her little buddies, but that didn't quite override her desire to cling tightly to my leg. The teachers said that today she cried about a half our after I left.

23- I don't remember much distinct about this day....much the same as the last day, I think.

25- This day the teachers gave me a report saying that they are very impressed with Kimora's knowledge of numbers and the alphabet. Apparently they had no idea of Kimora's capabilities because she hadn't said much to them until today. They were also teaching the class numbers 1-10 in Spanish, and Kimora corrected them on their pronounciation. LOL! I can just see her doing that. "No, not 'trace'...it's 'tres!'" You know, with the tongue-rolling "r" and no dipthong on the vowel ;).

30- Kimora's teacher's rave reviews on her academic abilities seemed to coincide with Kimora's excitement about learning at school. Today she took me by her desk to show me (once again!) her nametag where she "sits and does her homeworks." How adorable is that??!!

October

2- Today was the day that Kimora hit the only-crying-for-fifteen-minutes-after-mommy-leaves benchmark. She also came home from school excited about their upcoming fieldtrip to the pumpkin patch. She also begins talking to me about specific friends by name: Amani, Kaneisha, and Isaiah.

7- Kimora continues to spend a lot of time at the art station. It never fails, there's always at least one picture of she and I together...everyday. Her teachers say that Kimora is always saying "My Mommy...." this and "My Mommy...." that. "My Mommy is coming to get me after snack." "My Mommy's favorite color is pink." They ask her, "What's YOUR favorite color, Kimora?" She says, "I like ALL the colors, but my Mommy....."

9- And...this was yesterday. It was another typically tearful goodbye, but she calmed down very shortly after I left. I'm so proud of her! Her teachers continue to be floored by her literary abilities. She did her little, "Cap. C-A-P spells Cap" thing today while writing the letters as she spells. Yes, my little 3.5 year-old...that floors us all!

So there you go! Kimora preschool update! She's come leaps and bounds if you ask me. It still is difficult to leave her as she's tearful, but I find relief in the fact that she's no longer sad the whole morning. This coming Tuesday is the field trip to the pumpkin patch, and I'm going with! :)