Update on Coping with the Loss of Corinne

I feel like I'm not healing as quickly from the loss of my sister as I should be. My focus has been on helping others who are grieving, and I can only really let my hair down and focus on my own pain when I'm speaking with my husband. Even then, though, I feel guilty and selfish for wallowing in despair and my mind quickly turns to others who NEED me: my mother, my daddy, Acaijah, Ciahnna, and Corinne's boyfriend of two-and-a-half years. My other brothers and sisters have been an immense support. I don't know what I'd do without them...we're going to get through this. We're a strong family and our ties are too strong to break because what binds us is stronger than blood: we're bound by love.

Yesterday Jamal took me out while Jaslene watched the kids. We had a late dinner, so when we took a walk in the park afterwards it was close to midnight. My shoulders started to tremble, which he felt under his arm. He prompted me to let it all out...say what I needed to say, etc. I ended up yelling into the night, "I'M SOOO ANGRY!!! I'M SOOO SAD!!"

"WHY? TELL US WHY!," Jamal prompted.

"BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO YOUNG...TOO TOO YOUNG! I NEED HER! I MISS HER! OUR FAMILY ISN'T THE SAME!!"

"WHY ISN'T OUR FAMILY THE SAME? SCREAM IT, BABY. LET IT OUT!"

"BECAUSE THERE'S A SPOT THAT'S MISSING AT THE TABLE; THERE'S A SPOT THAT'S MISSING IN OUR HEARTS. SHE SHOULD STILL BE WITH US!!! SHE DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!!! SHE'S GONE! WHY COULDN'T SOMEONE HORRID AND MENACING BE REMOVED FROM THE WORLD, NOT MY CORINNE!! NOT OUR SISTER WITH A JEWEL OF A HEART!!!"

I collapsed into my husband crying. He held me so close and so tight and we cried together for a long, long time. Afterwards I felt so exhausted, but I also felt another feeling that's hard to describe: cleansed, purged perhaps. A weight had been lifted. When it was just me and Jamal together, I could crumble. I didn't have to keep up the facade of being ok. I didn't have to be the strong one. I'm so blessed to have that man of great strenghth backing me up and supporting me in every facet of my life. Before meeting Jamal, I never realized it was possible to love another human being so much.

I don't want to push the issue with the children too much considering they're so young. However, I have implemented several things to help them cope. These ideas are sort of adapted Supernanny ideas. I've put up a Feelings Chart and made many different faces with all different expressions on them. Karmello, Kimora, and Kariah each have a row on the chart with a column for each day of the week. They can change the face as what they're feeling changes. I know they sense the sadness and stress of family members even though they don't fully understand. I want them to have an outlet and be allowed to express their emotions without feeling like they have to submerge what they're feeling. This has worked so well and has prevented several tantrums. When my little ones don't know how to express what they feel inside, they understandably become very frustrated. Instead of having a meltdown, they can go over to the chart and stick up whatever face represents their current mood.

I've also given each of them a box that I let them decorate and label, for example, "Karmello's Thought Box." All three of them have their own thought box. Since they're too young to put sentences together in writing, most of what they've placed in their Thought Boxes have been pictures. At the end of each day, Jamal or I sit with them individually and they show and tell us what they drew. Pictures of Aunt Corinne have made it onto more than a few Thought Box pictures.

I hope that the chart and boxes give Karmello, Kimora, and Kariah media through which to express their feelings and be heard in the midst of the emotional upheaval.

Kaydence

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary:

Cadence-

1 a: a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language b: the beat, time, or measure of rhythmical motion or activity 2 a: a falling inflection of the voice b: a concluding and usually falling strain; specifically : a musical chord sequence moving to a harmonic close or point of rest and giving the sense of harmonic completion 3: the modulated and rhythmic recurrence of a sound especially in nature

This little baby.....

lives up....

to her name.

Kaydence.

She takes Psalm 98:4 quite seriously: "Let all the earth send out a glad cry to the Lord; sounding with a loud voice, and praising him with songs of joy."

Kaydence is never quiet. She is always making a joyful noise; a sweet melody is always coming from her little mouth. One of the greatest blessings of my day is being able to hear the cadence of her sweet little voice. Whether singing, "Jesus Loves Me" or rapping a hip hop lyric, Kaydence has proved herself to be quite the little musician in the making. ;-) She can literally spend 45 minutes straight sitting at our piano and pressing down the keys, singing along with her piano compositions ;-). She even makes up lullabies for Kajanae which, of course, is absolutely necessary considering Kajanae is Kaydence's "baybay". (As a side note, I think it's hysterical that when I ask Kaydence if she's a baby she shakes her head "no" very adamantly but considers Kaji very much a baby, what with always trying to hold her, kiss her, and saying "MY baybay Ka-ah-nay." ) :-D

So, if Kaydence is ever a famous singer or ivory-tickler, buy her CDs and tickets to her concerts! *kidding* ;-). Whether or not she's the next Alicia Keys, Kaydence's passion and joy in music is evident, and her bursting forth in song brings joy to those around her. Sing on little girl, sing on.

Sometimes the Night Haunts Me

Not because of fear..not because of regret. But when all the world is quiet (and even in the big city, way up here in our high rise can get pretty quiet, especially with the AC running which blocks out a lot of noise), I begin thinking. The darkness doesn't scare, it placates. The solitude isn't lonely, it's peaceful. But the night haunts me because of the deep thinking that it facilitates for me. I begin to think about my family and my goals. I think about Corinne, and how she lived more in her short 18 years than most people do in a lifetime. I think about my mother, who barely got through Mother's Day today after just having lost a child. I think about each of my five babies, ways I can be a better mommy to them, and how I'm so very thankful for the privilege of being their mommy (I know I say this ALL the time, but I truly am so blessed!). I stare at my husband sleeping, not in a creepy way, but in a manner of admiration. (The funny thing is, even if I'm quiet as a mouse, he senses when I'm awake and will then wake up, too. I'm actually surprised he hasn't come into the library looking for me yet.) At any rate, while in college I found it difficult to stay awake at all hours to study, nighttime is now a time of deep thinking and reflection for me now that I'm in my late twenties. It's a time that I enjoy mulling over ideas and contemplating "the big questions", so we'll see if anything comes of it. I'll be sure to record any flashes of brilliance I may have (ha!).

But since it is Mother's Day, or I suppose that was technically yesterday, I'll close with an adorable little poem that I came across:

I Like You Best

Elizabeth Laing Thompson

After dark, I like you best:

Day fades to gray,

Moonlit fingers paint stripes across your bed, your face.

I tiptoe in and rest a palm across your back

to feel you breathe--

up and down, the rise and fall;

I lean in close to breathe the sweet clean milk of you,

to feel the warmth of life

flowing in and out, in and out as you dream.

You sigh.

And I smile--serene, content--

This is my sunset.

When you're asleep, I like you best.

At day's first light, I like you best:

Dawn brings a gentle scratching,

the swish-swish of chubby elbows and knees and button nose

scrabbling against the sheets.

Then one little grunt, and soon another;

soft coos and squeals crescendo to a chorus

of joyful babbles to salute the day--

my alarm clock.

I shuffle in,

eyes bleary, all-over weary, heart warming--

and peek around the doorframe.

Two bright chipmunk eyes, two black buttons

peer up at me between the slats.

Eyes twinkle, cheeks crinkle, nose wrinkles;

rosebud lips send fireworks sparkling across the morning--

This is my sunrise.

When you're awake, I like you best.

From my good-morning sunrise to my lullaby sunset

and my every hour in between;

from your first cry to my last breath,

until the echo of us fades, our souls' footprints blow away--

That's when I like you best.

I love you, Kx5!

New Pics.....

.....of Kx5 on the sidebar. It's hard to tell with just eyeshots, but they've grown up so much! Some of the pics are strange dimensions, but I wanted to be able to capture at least a little bit of their hair. I love how they all resemble each other (biological or not), yet are very unique in appearance as well as personality. I love me some Kx5!

Thank You

Thank you all for your lovely messages of support. I know that many people are thinking and praying for our family during this difficult time. Please think especially about the children as they are being forced to deal with death at such a young age. They don't understand why someone who has always been present in their lives, someone that they saw and gave hugs and smooches to on a daily basis, is no longer around. The three oldest K's will tell people that Corinne is in heaven living with Jesus and that we will see her again when it's time for us to go and live in heaven, but their understanding is still obviously limited. We don't really talk about death because as far as we're concerned, Corinne is still living, just not right here with us. That thought helps a bit, but it doesn't help when I just wish with such a longing that my beautiful sister were right here beside me. I know we'll meet again one day, but for right now there's a hole, an absence....and that's hard.

Nevertheless, thank you all for writing to me and letting me feel your love and support. I hope to disclose more as I become capable of writing more specifics without "losing it" emotionally. Love you all.

I Miss....

Your doe eyes.....

The texture of your hair......

Your loving auntie hands....

Your deuces and kissy-face for every pic....

Your spunk.....

Your diva-tudes.....

Your free spirit.....

Your beautiful soul.

I Knew You For A Moment

~Corinne Zar’ya _______~

April 23, 1990 – January 7, 2009

Beloved daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, niece, cousin, girlfriend, and friend

“If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart's still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more,
To remember all the happy times.
Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today,
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.

God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.

I Knew you for a Moment.”

~Author Unknown